TD Tower: 5th Floor (Western Forests Products)

** (out of *****)

The 5th floor is intimidating. It’s covered entirely in austere beige wallpaper and on either side of the elevator lobby area are massive floor-to-ceiling hardwood double doors, sealed shut with a high-tech, probably voice activated electronic locking mechanism. What goes on behind these doors I can only imagine. If WFP were planning on taking over the world this is where they’d be doing it.

Anyways, the bathroom on this floor is a strange amalgam of all the other facilities we’ve visited in the TD Tower so far. One of the walls is black like our own, another is white and the entrance is more of the beige wallpaper. Its lay-out is also similar to ours, except the paper towel dispenser is beside the door and to the left of the sink is the ubiquitous Acura advertisement.

The toilets are nice, except instead of a handle-bar flusher you have to press a small, hard to find button on the toilet’s left side.

My overall experience was enhanced by a fellow visitor to the bathroom who was probably the greatest whistler I’ve ever heard. He was belting out some Disney song at full volume, and it was like I was doing my business to the theme of Beauty and the Beast. If this guy were a permanent bathroom fixture it would’ve pumped up this facility’s rating to at least a three and a half.

Overall, if you’re looking for a unique TD Tower bathroom experience, I’d say give this one a shot. The facilities aren’t spectacular though.

-ben

TD Tower: 29th Floor, The Top Floor (Futura Corp.)

*1/2 (out of *****)

Excitement was high to venture to the top of Vancouver’s monolithic TD Tower. Naturally a party was formed for the excursion, and copious amounts of H²O were consumed in preparation. This not only adds obvious authenticity to the review but more critically prevents suspicion. I’d be quite alarmed to see a bunch of guys walk into a restroom together, looking around, make a few comments on the facilities and leave. You must complete the task at hand, or at the very least, pretend to.

So you’d think the top of the TD Tower would have the holy grail of restrooms, but alas, it does not. The disappointment was palpable. It wasn’t much different than my review of the 9^th floor; poor-quality tiles, sub-par cleanliness and advertising on the walls. The only redeeming quality is that it appeared to be the larger than usual. This may be explained however by the unusual arrangement of stalls and urinals that’s inconsistent with others in the building we’ve witnessed.

It should be noted that I’m not satisfied that we have actually been to the top floor of the TD Tower. Although the elevators only take you up to the 29th floor, upon departure I noticed on the floor’s directory an intriguing statement: “Stairs to the 30^th Floor”.

Clearly, further investigation is required.

- Rob

580 Hornby St.: 4th Floor

**1/2(out of *****)

The washroom most visited by myself when away from home, the 4th floor washroom of 580 Hornby St. is my throne away from home so to speak. As such I have spent a great deal of time reviewing its many facets.

This standard office washroom is clean and functional but is obviously a step below others in the city. The florescent lighting is dim, the muted pink tile walls are dull, and the lack of an automatic flushers are all indicative of 2 star status. In addition the washroom occasionally has the smell of cofrine (coffee and urine) in the air the result of a patron disposing the remains of their coffee in the urinals (if you have not been subjected to this smell consider yourself lucky). The few highlights of this lifeless washroom are the recently installed foam soap dispensers, the individual tissue toilet paper, the auto light sensor and the foam strip between the frame and door of the washroom stall. These highlights elevate this washroom from a mere 2 star to 2.5 star

-Tmar

The Morrissey / Ramada Inn Lobby

** (out of *****)

There’s a very special feature to this restroom, a restroom which otherwise isn’t at all review-worthy: the hand dryer.

The hand dryer in the Morrissey’s restroom is so strong that you feel like it’s going to break the sound barrier. To quote Liam: “You feel like your hands are skydiving“, in reference to the rippling effect it has on your skin. The sound alone produced by this hand dryer is incredible, jet-engine-like one might say, but most importantly it does its job in seconds flat unlike the standard hand dryers which really aren’t worth the time. If I had one at home I’d never towel-dry again. You know when you’re in a restroom that gives you the option of the hand dryer or the disposable paper and you go for the disposable paper cause it’s quicker, well that would never happen if there were more of these.. these “machines” out there.

So you’d think this amazing restroom accessory would propel this restroom’s rating easily into 3-out-of-5 star territory right? Well let me explain: The restroom is actually in the lobby of the adjacent Ramada Inn, accessible by a shared corridor. It’s one of those setups where you have to leave the pub to get to the can. I’ve never been able to nail down why I don’t like this design. It’s not like it adds much distance to the journey (a critical factor). The harsh transition from dark pub lighting to bright lobby lighting is a bit intense, but I think it really boils down to not wanting to share a restroom with someone who isn’t getting tipsy in a pub on a Friday night. There’s something uncomfortable about relieving oneself next to a guy in a suit who just got in from the airport when I’m 4 pints into a long night. It ruins the “mood”, if I may call it that.

- Rob

TD Tower: 11th Floor (United Reporting, TD Waterhouse Investment Services)

*** (out of *****)

Light brown walls, soft lighting and classy marble-looking tiles give this facility a subdued, warm glow. The layout mirrors that of the bathrooms on the 14th and 15th floors – it lacks an ‘inner’ door and the paper towel dispenser is to the right of the sink for easy door-handle access. Further atmosphere is added by the office space immediately outside the facility, which appears to be undergoing some kind of massive renovation. While this sounds bad, the eerily empty area offers a spectacular, unimpeded view of downtown Vancouver from the elevator lobby which actually gives the place a kind of New York loft vibe.

I’d say this is the second best bathroom so far after our own.

Ben

Four Seasons Hotel Vancouver: Lobby

****1/2 (out of *****)

Why use a mall bathroom when high-class is right around the corner… and attached to the mall? The Four Seasons Hotel Vancouver lobby bathroom is the answer to nature’s call when you’re seeking an elegant respite from the proletariat.

Tucked around the corner from the front desk, the Four Seasons bathroom gains extra secrecy points for its cleverly concealed bathroom doors. There’s no obtrusive (or obvious) door handle here — just a simple push-style door with the ladies or men symbol, which is gold-plated, of course.

Inside, the bathroom is nearly always empty — a secluded haven compared to the oft-encountered line-ups of Pacific Centre. For the ultra privacy touch, the individual stall doors extend all the way to the floor. (Boys — I’m sure the urinals are spaced well-apart, allowing for wide stances.)

Finally, complimentary tissues are provided in the sink area, and the counters have been kept clean of any unsightly soap or water drips. Thank you Four Seasons cleaning staff… if I was actually staying at the hotel (and not just using your bathroom) I would tip you well.

- Karen

TD Tower: 15th Floor (Layer 7 Technology, Canwel)

* (out of *****)

If the 14^th floor bathroom were Vancouver, the 15^th floor bathroom would be its Lower East Side: older, vandalized, lacking advertising and littered with heroin addicted prostitutes (figuring out which one I made up is for you to discover!). But seriously, this facility’s inside door (i.e. the second door you would pass through when entering from the hallway) has been literally ripped out of its sockets (you can still see the holes in the wall where the hinges went), the drinking water gadget we saw this morning has been yanked out – even the coat hangers on the back of the stall doors have been taken!

On the upside, there’s no advertising on the wall and the colour scheme and tiles are relatively pleasant (they’re basically identical to the 14^th floor bathroom). Ultimately though, unless you enjoy relieving yourself in a run-down bathroom with a stripped-for-spare parts vibe (I suspect Layer 7 Technology and Canwel hire only female employees), I’d say give this one a pass.

Ben

TD Tower: 9th Floor (Union Securities)

* (out of *****)

I ventured up to the 9th floor only to discover to my surprise, and disappointment, that Union Securities in on both the 8th and 9th floors. Having prior knowledge of the quality of their facilities from Ben’s 8th floor review, I lowered my expectations and marched on in. I now understand the terrible off-white tiles and harsh lighting, but nothing could prepare me for the sight of ADVERTISING ON THE WALL! I couldn’t believe it, it was straight out of a granville street sports bar. Like any of those guys would buy the honda civic that was in the ad anyways.

Capitalism is alive and well in the inner-most sanctum of Union Securities.

- Rob

TD Tower: 8th Floor (Union Securities)

*1/2 (out of *****)

Off-white tiles, harsh fluorescent lighting and high school style latches on the stall doors means this facility has all the ambience of a YMCA locker room. The taps on the sink are old (and not non-touch) and there’s no buffer zone separating it from the hallway. At least the rest of the floor seems nice.

I’d say avoid this one unless you absolutely have to.

Ben

TD Tower: 7th Floor (Cushman Wakefield LePage)

*** (out of *****)

These bright, clean facilities gain huge points for their innovative solution to the must-not-touch-anything-after-washing-my-hand guy by placing a garbage receptacle in the space between the two doors at the entrance. Points are lost however on the lack of touchless faucets, uncomfortable co-worker banter observed between toilet stalls and discriminatory behaviour (“who the heck is this guy?” bad looks) towards those going for the coveted john the baptist-style beard.

Recommended due to proximity and convenience when “in a hurry”.

- Rob

TD Tower: 3rd Floor (TD Bank)

Unconfirmed.

As I was denied entry to the LOCKED men’s washroom due to the fact I am not a TD Bank employee, I cannot ascertain its cleanliness or decorum.

It’s probably best just to avoid the Third Floor altogether.

Doug